How to Torture Your Teacher by Bruce Lansky
Only raise your hand when
you want to sharpen your pencil
or go to the bathroom.
Repeat every ten minutes.
Never raise your hand
when you want to answer a question;
instead, yell, "Oooh! Oooh! Oooh!"
and then, when the teacher calls on you,
say, "I forgot what I was going to say."
Lean your chair back,
take off your shoes, and
put your feet up on your desk.
Act surprised when the teacher
puts all four legs of your chair back on the floor.
Drop the eraser end of your pencil
on your desk.
See how high it will bounce.
Drop your books on the floor.
See how loud a noise you can make.
Hum.
Get all your friends to join in.
Hold your nose,
make a face, and say, "P.U.!"
Fan the air away from your face,
and point to the kid in front of you.
On the last day of school,
lead your classmates in chanting:
"No more pencils!
No more books!
No more teachers'
dirty looks!"
Then, on your way out
the door, tell the teacher,
"Bet you're looking forward
to summer vacation this year.
But I'll sure miss you.
You're the best teacher
I've ever had."
Loneliness by Katherine Mansfield
Now it is Loneliness who comes at night
Instead of Sleep, to sit beside my bed.
Like a tired child I lie and wait her tread,
I watch her softly blowing out the light.
Motionless sitting, neither left or right
She turns, and weary, weary droops her head.
She, too, is old; she, too, has fought the fight.
So, with the laurel she is garlanded.
Through the sad dark the slowly ebbing tide
Breaks on a barren shore, unsatisfied.
A strange wind flows... then silence. I am fain
To turn to Loneliness, to take her hand,
Cling to her, waiting, till the barren land
Fills with the dreadful monotone of rain
Road Not Taken, The by Robert Lee Frost
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
Jabberwocky by Lewis Carroll
'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.
"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!"
He took his vorpal sword in hand:
Long time the manxome foe he sought --
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
And stood a while in thought.
And, as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!
One two! One two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.
"And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
Oh frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!"
He chortled in his joy.
'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.
London by William Blake
I wandered through each chartered street,
Near where the chartered Thames does flow,
A mark in every face I meet,
Marks of weakness, marks of woe.
In every cry of every man,
In every infant's cry of fear,
In every voice, in every ban,
The mind-forged manacles I hear:
How the chimney-sweeper's cry
Every blackening church appals,
And the hapless soldier's sigh
Runs in blood down palace-walls.
But most, through midnight streets I hear
How the youthful harlot's curse
Blasts the new-born infant's tear,
And blights with plagues the marriage-hearse.
Betty Botter
Betty Botter
bought some butter.
"But," she said,
"the butter's bitter.
If I put it
in my batter,
it will make
my batter bitter.
But a bit
of better butter--
that would make
my batter better."
So she bought
a bit of butter,
better than
her bitter butter.
And she put it
in her batter,
and the batter
was not bitter.
So 'twas better
Betty Botter
bought a bit
of better butter!
--By Anonymous
1. Make four lists: nouns, proper nouns, verbs, and descriptive words (adjectives and adverbs) that begin with a particular letter (e.g., "B"). For example:
Nouns
bubbles
brother Names
Bobby
Baxter
Boris Verbs
burst
bawl
Describers
broken
2. Write down the first line of a story that makes sense. For example:
3. Add a second line, using words from your list, that advances the story, for example:
4. Now you can figure out the rhythm and rhyme pattern of the poem you’ve started and continue it in the next two lines. The rhyme pattern is going to be ABAB.
5. The rhythm pattern is going to be:
DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM da (A)
DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM (B)
DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM da (A)
DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM (B)
6. Now you can complete the poem:
Bobby Baxter burst a bubble
Bobby’s brother Boris blew.
Bobby’s brother began bawling
Boris cried, boo hoo, boo hoo.
How to Write Tabloid Newspaper Headlines
by Bruce Lansky
You’ve probably seen tabloid newspaper headlines in supermarket checkout lines, and you know a lot of crazy stuff is printed as "news." Now you can turn on your creativity and write some wacky newspaper headlines of your own.
Here are some wacky newspaper headlines that you might see:
Elvis Sighted in Wax Museum
Shaquille O’Neal’s Parents Are Pygmies Shrek Ending Changed: Beautiful Princess Now Marries Handsome Prince
President Bush Asks Vice President Cheney: "Where Exactly Is Afghanistan?"
Ballad of Running Bear and Little White Dove
Modern Ballads
The Loner
The African Beggar
How to Torture Your Teacher
by Bruce Lansky
Only raise your hand when
you want to sharpen your pencil
or go to the bathroom.
Repeat every ten minutes.
Never raise your hand
when you want to answer a question;
instead, yell, "Oooh! Oooh! Oooh!"
and then, when the teacher calls on you,
say, "I forgot what I was going to say."
Lean your chair back,
take off your shoes, and
put your feet up on your desk.
Act surprised when the teacher
puts all four legs of your chair back on the floor.
Drop the eraser end of your pencil
on your desk.
See how high it will bounce.
Drop your books on the floor.
See how loud a noise you can make.
Hum.
Get all your friends to join in.
Hold your nose,
make a face, and say, "P.U.!"
Fan the air away from your face,
and point to the kid in front of you.
On the last day of school,
lead your classmates in chanting:
"No more pencils!
No more books!
No more teachers'
dirty looks!"
Then, on your way out
the door, tell the teacher,
"Bet you're looking forward
to summer vacation this year.
But I'll sure miss you.
You're the best teacher
I've ever had."
Loneliness
by Katherine Mansfield
Now it is Loneliness who comes at night
Instead of Sleep, to sit beside my bed.
Like a tired child I lie and wait her tread,
I watch her softly blowing out the light.
Motionless sitting, neither left or right
She turns, and weary, weary droops her head.
She, too, is old; she, too, has fought the fight.
So, with the laurel she is garlanded.
Through the sad dark the slowly ebbing tide
Breaks on a barren shore, unsatisfied.
A strange wind flows... then silence. I am fain
To turn to Loneliness, to take her hand,
Cling to her, waiting, till the barren land
Fills with the dreadful monotone of rain
Road Not Taken, The
by Robert Lee Frost
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
Jabberwocky
by Lewis Carroll
'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.
"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!"
He took his vorpal sword in hand:
Long time the manxome foe he sought --
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
And stood a while in thought.
And, as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!
One two! One two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.
"And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
Oh frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!"
He chortled in his joy.
'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.
London
by William Blake
I wandered through each chartered street,
Near where the chartered Thames does flow,
A mark in every face I meet,
Marks of weakness, marks of woe.
In every cry of every man,
In every infant's cry of fear,
In every voice, in every ban,
The mind-forged manacles I hear:
How the chimney-sweeper's cry
Every blackening church appals,
And the hapless soldier's sigh
Runs in blood down palace-walls.
But most, through midnight streets I hear
How the youthful harlot's curse
Blasts the new-born infant's tear,
And blights with plagues the marriage-hearse.
Betty Botter
Betty Botter
bought some butter.
"But," she said,
"the butter's bitter.
If I put it
in my batter,
it will make
my batter bitter.
But a bit
of better butter--
that would make
my batter better."
So she bought
a bit of butter,
better than
her bitter butter.
And she put it
in her batter,
and the batter
was not bitter.
So 'twas better
Betty Botter
bought a bit
of better butter!
--By Anonymous
1. Make four lists: nouns, proper nouns, verbs, and descriptive words (adjectives and adverbs) that begin with a particular letter (e.g., "B"). For example:
Nouns
bubbles
brother
Names
Bobby
Baxter
Boris
Verbs
burst
bawl
Describers
broken
2. Write down the first line of a story that makes sense. For example:
3. Add a second line, using words from your list, that advances the story, for example:
4. Now you can figure out the rhythm and rhyme pattern of the poem you’ve started and continue it in the next two lines. The rhyme pattern is going to be ABAB.
5. The rhythm pattern is going to be:
DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM da (A)
DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM (B)
DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM da (A)
DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM (B)
6. Now you can complete the poem:
Bobby Baxter burst a bubble
Bobby’s brother Boris blew.
Bobby’s brother began bawling
Boris cried, boo hoo, boo hoo.
Here are some wacky newspaper headlines that you might see:
Elvis Sighted in Wax Museum
Shaquille O’Neal’s Parents Are Pygmies
Shrek Ending Changed: Beautiful Princess Now Marries Handsome Prince
President Bush Asks Vice President Cheney: "Where Exactly Is Afghanistan?"